Pandemonium Real Estate

In Real Estate, LOCATION is EVERYTHING.

Choosing your eternal home requires careful planning and forethought. This guide to the Nine Circles introduces you to the locations and give you a taste of the unique character that each one has to offer.

The Nine Circles of Hell are the locations that souls are divided into when they arrive unprepared. A soul’s previous life or life tendencies influence the Circle they will have chosen for them after they pass through customs and have judgment. Don’t take a chance on eternity — By investing investing early, you have the opportunity to choose where you would like your land to be based on not just who you want as neighbors but also what kinds of activities and climate you enjoy most. If you’re purchasing land as a gift for someone, else please choose their circle based on what you know about them.

First Circle: LIMBO

The First Circle of Hell is Limbo and is reserved for those who simply didn’t ‘believe’ in God during their lives or were not baptized properly. Rather than being an active place of repayment for sin, Limbo acts as place where individuals have to live out eternity being separated from but aware of Heaven and how close they are to it. Heaven will always remain nearby but elusive. Beautiful to look at, but just out of reach. Here in Limbo there are green fields, grassy meadows, and forests full of lakes and streams. Limbo is an attractive place, but is a far cry from Heaven. Were you to compare Limbo to any of the other circles it would be the most serene but also the most boring. For those who like intellectual conversation there’s a castle here that is home to many of the greatest minds in history including Homer, Socrates and Aristotle although your home will have to be situated on the outskirts and without public transportation you’ll have to walk in.

Second Circle: LUST

Those overcome by LUST or are punished in this circle. They are blown about by a violent raging storm representing the fact that they lived their lives aimlessly by their desires. Here we would find the unmarried lovers, the adulterers, and those who put physical love as their highest priority. The lots for sale here have wonderful views of the storms that rage night and day and are quite beautiful. The nightlife here after the evening storms is better than anywhere else.

Third Circle: GLUTTONY

Cerberus guards the Third Circle where the sinners lie tormented in freezing lakes, black snow, slush and pounding hail. Not everyone wants to retire in Florida — some prefer Alaska and for those who have enjoyed food, drink and excess the cooler temperatures in the Third Circle can be quite attractive. Dog lovers will love watching the mythical three headed dog Cerberus at his duties and although hand feeding is not recommended, throwing treats is encouraged. Just maintain some distance. The winter-like conditions are fantastic for explorers, outdoors men and anyone else built of rugged stuff.

Fourth Circle: AVARICE

Those who have hoarded or put their possessions at the top of their priorities will spend eternity pushing enormous weights up hills or armored to the hilt with the heaviest of weapons and forced to joust one another, the victor in these games gaining nothing but exhaustion. Those who did not share, those to kept too much or made the acquisition of wealth their idol will be found here. Just like the sound of a passing train in the distance can be romantic, the sounds of clanging, and jingling as souls wrestle with heavy objects and bags of metal coins are quite peaceful and even romantic. The hills roll to and fro with mountains in the distance.  Those who love the sound of gold coins clinking together, those who love heavy machinery, and trains will find good homes here.

Fifth Circle: WRATH and SLOTH

Visitors to this circle often remark on the lush wetlands and the plentiful wildlife. Those sent here are “the souls of those that anger overcame”. The Wrathful and the sullen abound here, so stay on the good side of the neighbors. You’ll enjoy the waterfront properties that allow easy access to the River Styx and its excellent public transportation system, as well as the proximity to the City of Dis. Psychologists, biologists and chemists or the like will find endless, and we mean endless varities of studies here. 

Sixth Circle: HERESY

These grounds are marked by the flaming tombs of heretics. Like Tiki torches lining beaches in Hawaii, the flicker of firelight can be amazing to see. If this is your place, rest assured that this is an island you won’t be voted off of.  Walk barefoot on the intensly hot sands, meander through the tombs and roast marshmellows off the flames.  This is a place for campers and outdoorsmen of all kinds. 

Seventh Circle: VIOLENCE

Land here is separated into three circles for the souls who either committed violence against themselves, others or nature. The activity in this circle is unmatched with more centaurs, and harpies than any other circle combined. For those who enjoy sporting events, the action here is like the Final Four, SuperBowl, World Cup and World Series going on simultaneously and eternally. The sports enthusiast will find nothing but bliss here. 

Eighth Circle: FRAUD

False prophets, some (ahem) lawyers and a few politicians can be found here as well as, but separated from, thieves. This circle is found at the bottom of a remarkable cliff that some will find intimidating. Others however will find the quiet life far away from the riff-raff and city life above enjoyable. This is country living at its best. There’s just something majestic about living at the base of a mountain, something calming and peaceful. A wonderful valley life can be found here for those looking to get away from it all.  Since the thieves are all kept to themselves crime here is at a Hellish record low.  With many lawyers and politicians the conversation here is at an all time high.  If you have the gift of gab or persuasion, this is for you.

Ninth Circle: TREASON

Here those who committed treason against guests, lords, or God himself will find themselves encased in ice flows and lakes. Judas for his treason against Jesus, and Homer for his against Troy.  Where trust was given freely and preyed upon, here those will suffer.  Unlike the constant Miami in August-like heat above, this circle is quite chilly and houses at its center the mighty and eternally evil Satan himself. Odds are that unless you can find property close enough, you won’t ever see him. It’s more likely that you would bump into George Bush Sr. using a self-serve at the local Quicky-Mart. Those who love to Ski and Snowboard will enjoy doing slaloms around the souls frozen in ice and down the fantastically sloped trails and ravines. This is the winter olympics location set for 2043.

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